Dating Kit

Adventures of a Single Girl…

“Bachelors” and Their Snipped Bits  

With the end of The Bachelorette last week, a big topic has come up in conversation: whether Stu should have told Sophie earlier about still being legally married, and that he’s had a vasectomy. 

Lots of my female friends were outraged about that. Some of them are married, and aren’t quite up to date with the ways of the current dating world.  

I tried to explain to some of them that neither of those revelations is all that surprising, but first of all I had to defend his decision not to have told her sooner.  

The Bachelor/ Bachelorette franchise is such an unusual way of meeting someone. I’ve never been on the show, but I’ve watched many series, from all over the world. Last season, Matty J found out quite late in the series that two of the girls had working the adult entertainment industry. It caused a stir in the real world, as did Stu’s news.  

Time is Not on Their Side, Stu Laundy

Okay, not the best pic, but I luff him anyway 🙂

Time is Not on Their Side

But, if you think about it, the contestants don’t get a lot of time with the one they’re there for. They might get 5 or 10 minutes at a rose ceremony before they’re interrupted by another suitor. Or, if they’re lucky to be chosen for a single date, they spend time ooing and aahing over the scenery and the amazing date that the producers have arranged. There are scene changes, outfits which need to be chosen and put on and long gaps between half of the date and the next part.  

The one on one time can be limited, and it might not be the right setting to make revelations. And you know what? I wouldn’t necessarily feel like revealing such personal things about myself when I know the guy is dating 15 other women. He might not be revealing himself to me enough, and the thought that he’s telling all the girls the same story- or not- would have crossed my mind too.  

Additionally, if I’ve only spent 5 minutes alone with him here and there, not enough trust has been built up for me to tell him, because I barely know him!  I completely understand why those women, and Stu, didn’t reveal these parts of their life.

Dating and The 'Married' Man, Stu Laundy

Nothing on my ring finger, nothing up my sleeve….

 

Dating and The ‘Married’ Man

I’ve dated quite a few guys who were still married. When I was married, I would never have dreamed of doing that, but it’s different when you’re post marriage.  

I also thought that I wouldn’t date until my divorce came through, but that was another thing I changed my mind about when the time came. I wanted to have children, and I couldn’t do that with my husband, so I needed to start dating again so that I could, hopefully, find someone with whom to have them. That meant that I couldn’t wait the obligatory one year and one day, and that’s from the date you’ve lived apart, not just from the day you decided to split.  

And deciding to split is one thing, setting the wheels of a divorce in motion is a whole different story. Not all divorces are smooth sailing- in fact, few of them are. It can take time and breathing space to get through the initial shock of separation from the person you’ve been with for many years, and to get used to living this new life of yours. And then to have to go back and make it official? That’s a whole other battle that people rarely do without a great deal of mental and emotional preparation. 

I’m not flush with money, and I don’t have children. I can only imagine that having either would make divorce even more difficult.  

And in Stu’s case, he’s got both. Apparently, he has buckets of billions of dollars, and he has four daughters.  

There are plenty of men out dating, who are still legally married. It’s not a quick process to get a divorce, and in lots of cases the marriage was over a long time before they split with their wife. So, they see no reason not to go out and date.  This is definitely one of those situations that you can judge all you like, but when you’re in it, it’s a whole different story.  

If I stopped dating guys who are separated but not divorced, I’d have run out of guys a long time ago. As long as I’m fairly sure that they’re not still with their wife, and are planning to divorce in future, they’re eligible, as far as I’m concerned.

Snip, Snip, Stu Laundy, the Bachelor

That’s gotta hurt!

 

Snip, Snip

I’ve encountered many separated or divorced men who’ve admitted to having had a vasectomy. Generally, they’ve told me that when they were married, they and their wife had decided not to have more children, so he’d agreed to the snip. It’s widely accepted as the less invasive (though I’m sure a few of my male readers are cringing right now) as the corresponding procedure for their wife.  

And, this means, that if the marriage ends, he’s out in the dating world, all snipped up and with no sperm to give.  

It’s a shame for the women they meet who are still searching to have children with, but it’s not impossible. Reportedly, vasectomies can be reversed, so all is not lost.  

Revealing such information to a woman they’re dating, with whom they’re bonding, and who has revealed her desires, can be very difficult. He knows it could be a deal breaker, and perhaps even a heart breaker. He might still be mourning the end of his marriage. Having to bring up a decision which was so inextricably tied to his previous relationship might be something he’s in no hurry to do- particularly on national television!
 

The upshot of it is, Stu is more than his vasectomy or divorce and I can certainly see why he would be in no rush to bring up either topic, especially in such a fledgling relationship.  

I have to say, I was a huge fan of Stu from the moment he stepped out of the helicopter and I knew that he’d be perfect for Sophie. I’m glad they got together, and wish them well but if it doesn’t work out, and any of my loyal readers know him, well, he can contact me right here at Dating Kit, with or without the divorce cert and swimmers!  

Check me out on facebook and give me the thumbs up!

Xx

Kit

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Cougar Hunting

It’s a Jungle Out There and Young Guys Love Cougars

On the weekend I’m off to a function at a Melbs CBD pub that I quite like. I’m co organising it with a friend and it’s for a Meetup, and I suggested that pub because they have a band play on the weekends. It should be a great night for people who want to get out from behind their keyboards and phones and have fun with similarly minded peeps.
But, this morning I remembered another night I had there a while back.

Trophy Hunting

I’d met Sean online, as I do. We seemed to have some things in common. We both barracked for the same footy team, which is rare in this town, because my side is one of the smaller, less popular ones. That wasn’t what made me decide to meet him, but it was a good start.

When we did meet, it was at this pub for a few Friday night drinks.

He looked just like his picture, but that didn’t meant that I was all that attracted. For a scrawny bugger, he could sure put the pints away, but he was also buying my drinks- and getting the order right- which were two positives for the time being.

He set his sights on me, his next cougar- though that's not a title I accept

 

Cougar Qualities

I found that during our conversations, he would say, ‘oh you like chocolate? Tick.’ But he said it so often that I could almost picture the mental list he had in his head. And it was minor things as well as major. I’d say chocolate is minor, in this case, as it’s not exactly uncommon to like chocolate! I do the ‘tick’ thing occasionally too – in my head!! I’m not overly verbal about it, and not to the person to whom the tick applies!

Then, from across the table, he told me that if he kisses me it means we’re together. I nearly dropped my drink. How’s the presumption? And of course, quick sticks smart ass me said, “actually, I can tell you that if you kiss me it does not mean we’re together.” I must admit though, I kinda wanted him to kiss me just so I could show him that we’re were not an item.

He didn’t love my response, but then it also didn’t matter what he thought because a kiss does not a relationship make.

But another part of me wasn’t sure I wanted to kiss him. The drinks had loosened me up, and I was trying to have a good time, but I wasn’t completely sure about a pash, at that point.

All Whiskers, No Mane Event

Within minutes of the kissing convo we’d made our way to near the dance floor, now that we had a few drinks in us. The band had started, and had drawn us and plenty of others to the floor.
I was more than a bit awkward about going to the dance floor as I’d been there just 6 days earlier with a guy 45 times hotter than he was and had NO problem pashing him as soon as I could). Suddenly, Sean he was kissing me. But I tell you, hmmm, not so much. He does heaps of little bird kisses. Kinda annoying. And his goatee was a bit bristly or something. Besides, being on the same dance floor as I’d been with Hotstuff, I couldn’t help but compare the two. And, he was coming off a very distant second. Hotstuff was like a hot lion, Sean was more like a hyena hanging around, waiting to try to get into the game.

Cougar Town. She's gorgeous but I'm a gorgeous woman, not a cougar.

Coy Cub

A few minutes later when we found a booth and had a bigger pash, he didn’t really go for it. I thought, is that how he’s going to be when we shag? IF we ever shag?!! Hmmm. He got really embarrassed when some people at another booth started whooping and hollering at us but I just laughed it off. When we kissed again and they did it again I told him just to keep going. What’s the issue? Maybe he was self conscious about his kissing style. He had good reason to be, that’s for sure!
The conversation continued like a checklist. He wanted to know if I’d get all het up about a tea cup not being washed straight after it was used. Like I care?!! No, told him, who gives a rats about that stuff.

Cougar Town

Then he said I reminded him of a particular friend of his mum but that apparently I was a hybrid of several of them. My stomach turned. Hello, that’s not a compliment to a young woman! Admittedly I was about 8 years older than him, but gimme a break! When I reacted, and asked if he had a thing for older women he admitted that he’d gone out with a woman THIRTY years older than him for 3 years!! He was 19 and she turned 50 while they were together. I mean, we all have a past but what the fuck?!!
I think I was stunned speechless. I mean, come on!! It explains why he was keen on me, and didn’t mind the age gap but I suddenly felt very self conscious, and as though the whole thing had been a cougar hunt.
I don’t consider myself a cougar, and in fact, I’m often offended by it. The fact that I might occasionally be attracted to a guy who’s younger than me does not mean that I’m a cougar. The very word denotes that I’m just hanging around waiting for younger guys to hunt me and that’s far from the truth. I’m nobody’s kill, as it were. And although my name is Kit, if I’m going to be any type of cat, I’d be a gorgeous lioness.

Cuddly Cub

Anyway, he seemed fairly affectionate, and clearly he was interested in me, but I just couldn’t get past the itchy beard and strange expectations of us before we’d even started. I fully understood that he was lonely, and he’d told me that several family members had told him that he needed a girlfriend.
The next day I chatted with a mate of mine, and he said that Sean would probably be a good boyfriend. But, is it fair to keep someone around for the boyfriend experience? Sean seemed keen to do casual things like come over to watch movies (and I can tell you, it wasn’t likely to be a Netflix & Chill situation any time soon). I vaguely considered a shopping and lunch day with him because I thought it was casual enough not to be a full on date.
But in the end, I decided it just wasn’t fair to him to do that to him, and I friend zoned him instead. I can’t consciously use people, it’s just not in me. And frankly, this guy was just too odd for me and I have my own list for all the reasons I didn’t like him.

First date questions, and what turned me off

This first date reinforced to me that no matter what kind of guy crosses my path, I have to be me, and maintain my own standards. Using people isn’t me. And trying to like someone I don’t just won’t work. And it’s not fair to anyone. My time is more precious than that, and so is his.

Anyway, this time I’ll be there with good friends, and a great guy I met a little while back. His company is so wonderful that Sean will be but a moment of my past. In fact, I must tell you about him sometime…..

Xx
Kit

P.s. we did remain friends, and he, Gal Pal and a guy friend of mine, and I went out for New Years Eve. We all hung out together but then as midnight approached, we hit the dance floor. And, would you believe it, within minutes he’d scored himself a pash. WITH A GUY. They went home together, and when I texted him the next day to check he was okay (as far as I know he’d never been with a guy) he didn’t reply, and I never heard from him again. Wowser!

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Sunset on the Day, not the Friendship

A few months ago I told you about my dear friend Kez who had just died, having lived, and suffered, her whole life with Cystic Fibrosis.

Recently, it was the first birthday for which she was no longer around to celebrate.

I was away at the time, on a much awaited holiday.

At Kez’s funeral, a few of her friends and I had discussed getting together on her birthday, to break bread and celebrate her life. Generally, I don’t like hearing people say that So and so “wouldn’t like you to be unhappy” or whatever. But as we discussed getting together, it really did feel like something Kez would love. She loved to celebrate, and particularly with good company, and who better than her friends?

However, when the time came, it wasn’t possible as her birthday fell during the week, and we all live scattered across Melbourne. So, I booked my holiday, leaving on her birthday and decided that I’d do something on my own to commemorate her day- the first completely pain, cough and everything else, free. I thought maybe I’d go somewhere and have a nice dinner and raise a glass to her, and throughout the day I thought that watching the sunset might be lovely, too. I was sad about being alone for the day, but then, Kez and I’d had many birthdays apart, due to her illness, and us living on other sides of our fair city.

I was at Surfers Paradise, at a hotel 200m from the beach, and throughout the day had thought how lovely it would be to watch the sunset and reflect upon her life and our many moments together.

But, the day was full of travel and checking in, and soon the day was coming to a close. I was on the phone with New Guy and googling when the sun should set, and where the best vantage points were.

I stepped out onto my balcony and turned my head and saw that the sun was setting. I started telling New Guy why it was so important that I watch the sunset. I’d made a commitment to myself, and to Kez, and wanted that time with her. New Guy said that I should be happy she’s not in pain, and of course I was grateful for that, but it doesn’t diminish the pain and loss.

Inevitably, the tears cascaded down my cheeks, as I talked, and suddenly I realised that maybe there was a better spot from which to view it.

I rushed to the door, and looked down the hallway, and there at the end was a large window through which I saw the most vivid colours in the sky behind the nearby buildings and hills.

Of course, this just made me cry even harder as I tried to explain what I was seeing and why I was so upset. Then I realised that trying to explain was ruining the moment, so we signed off and I watched the view.

I got a lovely text from New Guy soon after saying that I’ll be okay, and to enjoy the view with my friend. Exactly. Through all the tears and half sentences, he’d gotten it.

Sunset on the Day, Not on the FriendshipSo, I stood there, taking pic after pic and enjoying the spectacle of it all. I knew that there was one thing missing from this scene, which was in my plans- a drink! So I raced back to my room and poured myself a Galliano and took it back to the window ledge.

It was a cloudless sky, and it was like a miracle was occurring before my eyes, as the colours changed over and over again.

I was just standing there, eyes front, taking it all in, and suddenly, a single bird flew across the sky. I watched it soar in front of the sunset, so calmly and effortlessly. Instantly I thought, that’s Kez. It’s weird, I know, and even in the moment I wondered why I’d think that. But, looking around that bird, I saw no others! It was beyond crazy, and most definitely a sign.

As I continued to watch the sunset, memories flooded back to me, and I enjoyed them as though they had all happened yesterday, but they were all months old at least.

And then, through the tears, and as though soundtracking my memories, I started to realise that I could hear a song playing.

I tuned in, and couldn’t believe my ears. It was the guitar riff from the end of Hotel California. I couldn’t believe it. How long had it been playing and I hadn’t realised? Well, obviously, the whole song because this comes at the end. But had they just turned it up? Or had it been playing the whole time and I’d only just noticed?

Whatever had actually happened, I didn’t care. It was yet another sign and I was both elated and freaking out, because that was a song that meant a lot to us. Years before, I’d gone to the Eagles concert with my husband, and had called Kez during that song (that’s the sort of thing I did if I was at a concert and a friend loved a certain song). We’d sung to each other down the phone line and gotten to enjoy the night together, at least in part.

And now, hearing the song while the gorgeous sun set over that Queensland horizon, it was as though she was saying, “that WAS me flying high, I was visiting you and showing you I’m okay!”

While I don’t go around spouting spirituality, I defo have experiences like this, and I’m open to them.

As I watched the last colour fade from view, I realised that if I put the initial stunned amazement aside, it made perfect sense that Kez would visit me, and on her birthday of all days; what a gift it was.

When the sky was completely dark, I left the window and returned to my hotel room. I dashed out to get dinner and came back in time to watch the Finale of The Bachelor.

That was a disastray, but I reckon Kez would have been laughing at me. Halfway through I was so sure of the ending that I got bored. Though I’m on a self imposed text/ social media ban during the Bachelor, I started chatting with friends. That never happens, but it did this time, and the chick who ‘won’ was earthy and crafty, exactly the sort of chick that Kez would have chosen for Matty J. Pfft.

The next day, I went out to explore the area. I’d wanted to go and get a picture of the “Surfer’s Paradise” sign which overlooks the ocean. It was a couple of blocks from my hotel, but I went the long way, getting to know the shops and restaurants along the way.

When I reached the sign, there were lots of other tourists there taking pics. I’d had no idea that it was such a tourist attraction. I felt a bit silly taking a picture of it, and it occurred to me that in Surfers’ small way, it was like the Hollywood sign. So I thought, fuck it, who cares? And I got my phone out.

Again, a lone sea gull flew across the sky and through my shot. Can you believe it? I was on one side of the road and at the other side, was the beach. The beach is a sea gulla mecca!! Looking around, I again saw no other birds. I sent up a silent, “thanks Kezzington,” and bought myself a twistie potato in celebration.
Sunset on the Day, Not on the Friendship
I defo felt that I’d celebrated the life of Kez, and hadn’t been as alone as I’d thought I’d be.

P.s. I typed this up outside my building while at lunch, with lots of people around me, and the tears flowed as freely as they did on Kez’s birthday.

Then I went back inside, and got back to work. I’d been listening to one of my playlists before lunch. I’d only installed Spotify on my computer that same day. When I hit play again, a song came on that I didn’t recognise. When I looked at the title, I nearly fell off my chair. Take a look at the pics below. As you can see, the song is not in that playlist.

Sunset on the Day, Not on the FriendshipXx Kit

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Who’s Your Daddy? Looking for a Daddy for my Babies

My boy is looking for a father figure.

Yes, I know, it’s a bit crazy, because lots of you would know that I don’t have children.

But I do have two cats, a boy and a girl, who are twins.

When I was still married, our pussy cats were quite timid and scared of guests. They loved us, but were terrified of everyone else. They spent all their time under our bed, whenever we had people over, including family. If we had a party, they’d come out at about 3am, when they’d given up putting off waiting for food, water or the toilet. And even then, they’d make a mad dash through the room to their destination.

When my dad came over, my boy would sit on his lap, and would stay there for the whole visit. My girl has always been more aloof. She was fine as long as she could see everything, but she was happy to sit at a distance and keep an eye out.

Daddy’s Boy 
My ex husband and I worked opposite shifts back then, so, after I went to work, he was home with the babies for several hours before bed. I heard tales of nights spent cuddled on the beanbag while my ex played PS3 and one or other cat sat with him and watched.

Since my ex husband and I split, the baby cats have really matured. I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it. When I have friends over, they come out to meet them, particularly if they’ve met them before. They’re keen to see people, and interact, but it’s mostly my boy who’s curious and keen. 27-09-17-jensen

Cat & Mouse
When I’ve had guys over, my boy has come and introduced himself to them. My girl checks them out, but she really doesn’t give a toss.

But, my boy, well, he’s the one on their lap, rolling around, and mooching with them. He doesn’t like all of them, but he does like most of them. It’s like he can’t help himself. He insists on sitting on their lap, digging his claws into their legs, and showing them the belly that he won’t let them rub.

He went through a mourning period after my ex husband moved out, and no doubt he experiences a little of that each time. A couple of years after our split, I found one of my ex husband’s socks under the bed, and my boy rolled around on it for hours and hours.

The bean bags are gone, and no one plays PS3 anymore. From me, my boy gets play, and plenty of cuddles, and he gets to watch reality tv and the occasional animal show. But it’s not guy time, and he seems to crave it. 27-09-17-jensen-ackles

Sleeping With One Eye Open and Two Ears Pricked Up
I don’t have that many guys over, but there have been a few, and in his way, he’s bonded with each of them. I don’t know how he feels when he doesn’t see them again, but I can imagine.

It can’t be helped, as I’m a firm believer of happy mummy, happy babies, but one day, I’ll find someone that I’m happy to keep around, and he’ll find his forever daddy.

 

Don’t forget to hit me up on facebook for day to day updates of my dating life.

Xx
Kit

 

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Father’s Day Upset for a Childless Woman

Usually it’s Mother’s Day that gets me emotional, but this time it was Father’s Day.

 

Casual Observations

As I walked through the bistro of the pub, toward my dad during Sunday’s Father’s Day lunch, I saw lots of young families enjoying their day.

And it occurred to me, I’ll never have any of what they’re experiencing. Those dads are young, virile, and they’re celebrating the joys which being young and virile have brought them, children. Father’s Day is all about that; seeing what you’ve done, the results of all of your hard work. And, those children take the opportunity to give back, in hugs, kisses and crappy presents, which hopefully increase in quality over the years.

Their wives play a huge part in this day too, as per all the other days in their lives. They had the foresight to choose and snap up that young man when he was at his best, full of hope, life and plans for a future that he was willing to share with them. And all has worked out well for them, because here they are, celebrating Father’s Day, just a few short years later with their home made tribe of children. They’re running around, throwing shoes and socks off in abandon so that they can go into the playroom, laughing and screaming, as kids do.

Whether at the pub for lunch, in the car, or home, these dads are constantly teaching all those skills they once yearned to pass on that their dads had taught them as they grew up.

Looking on at all of this are the proud grandparents who began it all. They’re seeing their children who’ve grown into more than they could ever have imagined they’d become. They would have hoped for grandchildren, and here, before their eyes, are all their dreams come true.

But as I walked through that bistro, it all became very real for me. I don’t have the husband, or the children. I’ll never see my husband proudly pick up our child, or show them how to07-09-17-dk pump up a bike tyre. And my dad will never see me become the mum he hoped I’d become.

Tricking the Mind

My vision of what I’d teach my kids has become so blurry that I no longer feel I have anything to teach. And, all those things I mentioned in a previous post will stay with me, and go no further. It’s such a shame. Just like all the memorabilia I’d once kept from my childhood, there’s no one to pass it on to. I’ve had to make some hard choices over the last few years, and I’ve thrown out most of my old keepsakes.

In the same way, my memory has decided to erase the tips and tricks I once stored for the future. That space in my memory has been freed up for the needs of my daily life. I’d like to think that if I’d had children, I’d be able to teach them the old stuff, while doing the current stuff that life brings, but who knows? Now I don’t have to worry about that.

The Painful Truth

It’s been 6 years since I was told that I have unexplained infertility, and, unlike some memories, it’s an issue that I can’t erase from my life.

Every day, there are numerous reminders, obvious and not so. Facebook is a killer. Friends and family posting pics of their children sleeping, in the bath, getting a trophy for turning up to school. It’s crazy.

Online posts, conversations, television, are all littered with references to children that other people have, and I don’t and won’t have.

I’m happy for these people, it’s not even jealousy. It’s just how it is. There are plenty of women like me out there. We get on with life, and try not to get caught up in all the reminders. But there are days when it’s unavoidable. And, sometimes it comes suddenly, and without warning. It could be a song, tv ad, facebook post, or just a memory of how I thought my life was going to be.

Curative Care

The fact that it hasn’t turned out the way I’d planned doesn’t mean it’s a bad life. It’s just not what most people have, and that can be difficult to live with. I work, dance, write, spend quality time with my friends, raise my two cats, and I’ve started my dating coaching business. I’m a busy woman, and, one of the most fulfilling parts of my life is sharing my stories and adventures with you. So, I’m getting there, wherever “there” is.

 

So, on Sunday, at Father’s Day lunch with my dad, I did what I always do. I blinked away the tears, and walked back to my dad, and we laughed and talked about old times and new. Life goes on, and living in the past doesn’t do anyone any good.

For daily memes and updates, and to see where I’m spending my time, head to facebook

Xx

Kit

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